Upsides to Allergies

The latest storm surge of pollen has crashed against my immune system's protective seawalls. Unfortunately, some overzealous and somewhat misguided first-responder Immunoglobulin E antibodies have triggered an excessive activation of leukocytes, causing a breach in my levees of nasal mucosa, releasing a flood of phlegm from my Lake Ponchartrain of goblet cells.

Not only am I suffering from a swollen, teary eye and continual runny nose, but from this poorly developed rhetorical trope as well.

I have at least come to the realization that there can be upsides to allergies.

For example, if you are ever feeling insufficiently blessed, sneeze at work.

(This works best if you are in a high-walled cube farm. Having your own office means few co-workers will be within earshot, having low or no walls means more co-workers will be able to see you when it happens, which, of course, means you are less likely to hear the desired "Bless you" and more likely to hear "Eeewwwww".)

The other upside is only theoretical at the moment. However, based on my recent tissue consumption and apparent nasal discharge rate, I think it's safe to say that by day's end I just may drop a few pounds.

We are mostly water, right? Does that not mean that losing water is essential to losing weight? I may have stumbled across the next miracle in weight loss!

Be sure to look for my upcoming book, Snot: The All-Natural Secret to a Thinner You in a bookstore near you.