Thursday, December 14, 2006

Pain in the glass

Posted January 5, 2007

Some jackhole broke into my car.

I wasn't the only one. My neighbor's car was parked in the same row as mine. His also got broken into. In both cases it was the same thing - that little triangular window on the back driver's side door was busted. The perp (look at me with the cop-talk) could reach in and unlock the back door, then enter the car and rummage for stuff. The back door of my neighbor's car was left ajar; mine was still closed. Of course, my car alarm goes off as soon as the latch is pressed, his was disengaged.

No other car in our part of the lot was touched.

Then again, no other car in our part of the lot had stuff on the seats. My neighbor had some CDs and other stuff. I had a gift bag for our office gift exchange.

For those of you who have never lived near the drug trade, most car break-ins are not done by people who want the car. Heck, most of the time the bastards don't even take the more valuable items in the car, like the radio or the dashboard Mary. People breaking into cars are looking for cash or something that can be turned into cash quickly so they can buy their next fix. A radio has to be disassembled and then sold; that takes time. Gathering ten bucks from two or three different cars only takes a few minutes.

When I lived in Philly my car got broken into. The only thing I lost was my $80 sunglasses, but the greeting cards I left in the glove compartment had been torn open. That SOB wasn't looking for a Hallmark moment. Remember, people put money in greeting cards.

My apartment complex occasionally gets the unsavory sort wandering through. Across the nearby main road are several motels, which see less and less business from travelers and "John and Mrs. Smith" types now that some better hotels were built nearby. The motels now double as low-income housing for people on welfare (and are among the few places in town far enough away from schools for sex-offenders to live). A cop in town told me that there are actually gangs forming over there.

While off the beaten path for drivers, my complex is on the walking route between the motels and the local Wawa (a convenience store chain common in this area). I'm glad I'm moving.

Speaking of which, I move in two days. In two stinkin' days my car will no longer be parked in this lot overnight. Six years with no problems, then this happens 48 measly hours before I leave.

Grrr. Argh.

I took my car to the local Chevy dealer and hitched a ride into work with Ms N. I figured it would be about $200 or so to get a new window.

I thought wrong.

I'm assuming that the jackhole chose that little windows thinking he was doing us a favor. It made things no easier for him - the smaller surface area meant it takes more force to break through, then he had to clear enough away to reach the door lock inside. Had he gone through the main window, he would have had plenty of clear space for his arm. Yeah, I broke your window, but I only broke the tiny window!

Guess what, fothermucker, that window happens to be the most expensive piece of glass on the entire freakin' car!

You see, the bigger windows on the door roll up and down, which means they are not permanently affixed to the vehicle. If one of those breaks, you pop the inside cover off the door, clean out the glass, stick in a new window, and reattach the liner. No big deal.

Those small windows, on the other hand, are permanently attached. To swap one out, you have to take out pieces and reattach other pieces, then put on the weather-stripping and whatnot. Hello new window, good-bye $730.

Growl. Snarl.

Oh, and the gift bag most likely led to the break-in? Every year we have a secret Santa gift exchange. Last year I forgot to bring my present in, meaning the admin whose name I drew didn't get her gift until a day after everyone else. For the past two weeks my co-workers have been ribbing me about it. In order to make sure I didn't forget the gift this year, I put the bag in the car as soon as I finished wrapping the gifts.

My previous job had a $20 limit on the gift exchange, but not my current one. We have two unique rules to ours.

1) You give your lucky recipient five separate gifts, each of which has to be useful to or representative of that person.

2) You can only buy the gifts at a dollar store.

Monday, December 11, 2006

In One Hundred Hours ...

... we'll be first-time homeowners!

Wo-hoo!

Oh, and it seems that your well-wishes may have had an effect, too. I'll find out for certain later.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Wish me luck, folks ...

I need it.

And for those who have taken the time to complain about my lack of posting, what can I say? Other than custody squabbles, buying a house, Thanksgiving traffic, realtors, lawyers, home inspectors, a department-wide reallignment at work, moving, a kid's birthday, Ms N's and my second anniversary, quirky car issues, and the bitterly painful collapse of my beloved Gigantes, there really hasn't been much to write about.

Thanks for checking in, anyways.

Oh, and don't forget to wish me luck!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Rollin' wit da homies

I found my theme song ...

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Jersey Magic

I couldn't figure it out.

I'd been watching Monday Night Football and going N-V-T-S nuts.

In a nutshell, the Giants had been sucking like so many $10 whores. Were it not for Jacksonville's bad opening drive and a quirky fumble in the red zone, the score would likely have been 20-0 at the half. There had been no Giants running game – Brandon Jacobs couldn't even pull off third and short. The team's very first first down was immediately followed by an interception. Eli Manning had been throwing the ball all over the field. And over all the receivers.

Psst! Eli! You’re supposed to throw it to the receivers!

Psst! Receivers! When Eli throws it to you, catch it!

Psst! Plaxico! If you are ever near a defender who has just intercepted the ball, you are supposed to tackle that guy, not push him gingerly towards the end zone!

Nuts, I tell you.

So halftime came and went and los Gigantes were soon down 13-3 in the 3rd quarter. Eli had just thrown the ball away to avoid a nearly dreadful sack when it hit me.

I wasn't wearing my lucky jersey!

I have three Giants jerseys – one Shockey and two #73s (one home blue, the other away white) with my own last name on the back.

Why my own name, you ask. Well, I'm never going to be cut, traded, or lost to free agency, of course. Besides, if they ever need me on the field I'll be ready to go.

I have found through extensive trial and error that the away jersey must be worn on game day if the Giants are to have a chance of winning. I can't explain it; it's some magical connection that I have with the team even though they are sometimes thousands of miles away.

Well, here we were in the third quarter and I was just in a T-shirt. (And shorts. I don't watch football naked – at least not when the kids are home.)

A T-shirt! Oh, how I was letting my team down.

I quickly got the jersey, threw it on, then sat down in front of the TV and tried to send cosmic signals to Florida to let the guys know I was in uniform.

Lo and behold, on the very next play, Eli dropped back to pass, spun to elude the Jaguar pursuit, brought his arm up to throw ...

[insert pregnant pause here]

... and then he dropped the ball on the ground, whereupon it was promptly picked up by a defender and run into the end zone for a Jacksonville touchdown.

At that moment I gave birth.

(Quite a surprise, what with my XY chromosomes and lack of uterus and all. It's a boy.)

Half the Jaguars were doing line dances, circus acts, and the Macarena in the end zone. While I was prepping the jersey for use as a swaddling cloth, I noticed that the rest of the defense was not celebrating at all.

There was a flag on the play. Face-mask, defense.

The touchdown was nullified, the Cirque du Soleil artists were lowered back down from the goalposts, and the Giants got the ball back plus a few yards and a first down.

Manning and Co. finally got things working and pieced together an amazing drive of their own, culminating in a touchdown. An apparent 20-3 suddenly turned into 13-10! The jersey worked! We were back in the game!

Note to self: leave the celebratory spike to the guys on the field who know for certain that what is in their hands is indeed a football. Oh well, I didn't want a third kid anyways.

It’s upon this type of success that I think the team needs to better capitalize. I'm more than happy to bring this jersey to the sidelines where the mojo will undoubtedly be so much more potent; I'm just waiting for the team to send down the limo. I'd even settle for the luxury box. We're talking about a playoff run, guys.

OK, so the excitement was short lived. The Giants quickly restored their severe barometric pressure deficit vis-à-vis the Jaguars. They gave up 13 more points and a couple turnovers while failing to score again before the game mercifully ended. The Giants slipped to 6-4, three games behind the Bears and tied with the suddenly resurgent and always detestable Dallas Cowboys.

How disappointing.

I can only imagine what would have been different if I had put the jersey on earlier.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Happy Birthday, Ms N

For this,
your [redacted] trip
around the ol' sun,
here's hoping:


your
birthday
wishes
come
true

your
dreams
are
fulfilled

... and there's never a shortage of shoes

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

What have you blogged for me lately?

Ooo-oo-ooo-yeah!

Some people are never satisfied.

I've been blogging for about as long as Brittany Spears and K-Fed have been married. During that time, I have had some extended spells where I have failed to post. A week here, a month there ... you get the picture.

Postless in New Jersey.

Lo and behold, after going merely the length of Brittany Spears’ first marriage without a post, Alaska Jen tells me that I am letting her down. "You haven’t posted in a long time," she whined, er, said Thursday night, granting me no credit for hanging on into the wee hours of election night to complete my Est-iest awards. "I’m getting bored."

"Don’t worry," I assured her. "There will be something posted tomorrow."

Sucker.

OK, so now it has been a week. But I think my material today will make up for the lapse. Quality over quantity, you know.

Wikitainment

While mindlessly trolling through Wikipedia, I stumbled upon a spiffy idea for a web challenge.

We’ve all heard of six degrees of separation – the notion that any two people can be connected through six other people. I, for one, have some entertaining contacts just two or three degrees away. For example, my former insurance agent’s son has three Super Bowl rings, my grandfather knew the pilot of the Enola Gay, I’ve had one-on-one conversations with a member of the Reagan administration and with Nixon’s Secretary of the Interior, and my mom works with Mary Kay Latourneau’s ex-husband.

Presidents to pedophiles … oh, yeah.

So here’s the challenge. Start with a topic on Wikipedia – say Hillary Clinton. Then pick another topic – say Castration. Now see how many (well, few) clicks it takes using only linked Wikipedia articles to connect the two.

(Hillary-to-Castration takes five clicks: Prostate Cancer, Androgens, Vas deferens, Vasectomy, Castration.)

The challenge, then, is to find two topics which seem to have no bearing on each other and find the shortest route between them. Bonus points are awarded based on degree of obscurity.

Please pass this idea on and send back your challenge ideas.

It’s like butt-ah

My daughter's Girl Scout troupe had a bake sale at our church Sunday. Our church has two services, so we had two rounds of sales. In between, the girls diligently readied the tables for the second rush of customers and we parents hung out just out of earshot sharing off-color anecdotes.

One of the dads had a great one about the one that didn’t get away. It was a true inspirational tale for all of us who had those moments where, three hours removed from a conversation, we suddenly come up with what we should have said.

My wife had to make several batches of cookies, so I went to the store to get ingredients. This really snooty woman was standing right in front of the butter looking through ingredients of the gourmet yogurts.
"Excuse me," I said, "can I please get to the butter?" She moved about six inches – still in the way but I could reach what I needed.
I took out five boxes of butter and was about to walk away when I realized it was salted. I needed unsalted.
"I’m sorry," I said to her, "I grabbed the wrong kind. Can I get in here again?"
She leered at me as I switched the boxes. "It’s not going to make a difference," she huffed. "Salted or not, the cholesterol is still going to kill you."
"Oh, I'm not going to eat this," I replied. "We use this as lubricant for anal sex."

On a related topic, I am adding another new word to the vernacular. Those militant snotty elitist know-it-alls who insist that you comply with their view on diet, the environment, fashion, etc:

Snotzis

Out of the Ordainary

My brother doesn't surprise me much.

It's not that he’s mundane, he's not. He is the polar opposite of mundane. He is, shall we say, very much his own person.

In some ways I envy him. He is blissfully unburdened by the expectations of others. He is comfortable enough with himself that he is able to act as he chooses. When he felt like having a unique style, he didn’t go down to Hot Topic to pick up the current version of uniqueness that everybody else has, he shaved three-quarters of his head and braided the remaining hair. He personifies the notion that those who matter don't mind and those who mind don’t matter.

I got a call from him Saturday night. He wanted to know if I'd heard the new Weird Al CD and if I'd heard the original R. Kelly song "Trapped in a Closet" and, oh, by the way, he just got ordained.

Screech!

OK, he surprised me with that one.

So my brother – the octopus head – is now clergy. He's now part of the Church of Spiritual Humanism.

Some would say he’s not really clergy because he got his ordination on-line. But I doubt my brother is bothered by their scoffing.

Faith is like that, you know. Besides, Tyler Durden says we should let that which does not truly matter completely slide.

Later in the call, after the conversation had shifted to a few different topics, he mentioned that he was going through his collection of adult-oriented videos.

"Oh," I said. "Is this part of your ministry?"