Wish me luck, folks ...

I need it.

And for those who have taken the time to complain about my lack of posting, what can I say? Other than custody squabbles, buying a house, Thanksgiving traffic, realtors, lawyers, home inspectors, a department-wide reallignment at work, moving, a kid's birthday, Ms N's and my second anniversary, quirky car issues, and the bitterly painful collapse of my beloved Gigantes, there really hasn't been much to write about.

Thanks for checking in, anyways.

Oh, and don't forget to wish me luck!

Rollin' wit da homies

I found my theme song ...

Jersey Magic

I couldn't figure it out.

I'd been watching Monday Night Football and going N-V-T-S nuts.

In a nutshell, the Giants had been sucking like so many $10 whores. Were it not for Jacksonville's bad opening drive and a quirky fumble in the red zone, the score would likely have been 20-0 at the half. There had been no Giants running game – Brandon Jacobs couldn't even pull off third and short. The team's very first first down was immediately followed by an interception. Eli Manning had been throwing the ball all over the field. And over all the receivers.

Psst! Eli! You’re supposed to throw it to the receivers!

Psst! Receivers! When Eli throws it to you, catch it!

Psst! Plaxico! If you are ever near a defender who has just intercepted the ball, you are supposed to tackle that guy, not push him gingerly towards the end zone!

Nuts, I tell you.

So halftime came and went and los Gigantes were soon down 13-3 in the 3rd quarter. Eli had just thrown the ball away to avoid a nearly dreadful sack when it hit me.

I wasn't wearing my lucky jersey!

I have three Giants jerseys – one Shockey and two #73s (one home blue, the other away white) with my own last name on the back.

Why my own name, you ask. Well, I'm never going to be cut, traded, or lost to free agency, of course. Besides, if they ever need me on the field I'll be ready to go.

I have found through extensive trial and error that the away jersey must be worn on game day if the Giants are to have a chance of winning. I can't explain it; it's some magical connection that I have with the team even though they are sometimes thousands of miles away.

Well, here we were in the third quarter and I was just in a T-shirt. (And shorts. I don't watch football naked – at least not when the kids are home.)

A T-shirt! Oh, how I was letting my team down.

I quickly got the jersey, threw it on, then sat down in front of the TV and tried to send cosmic signals to Florida to let the guys know I was in uniform.

Lo and behold, on the very next play, Eli dropped back to pass, spun to elude the Jaguar pursuit, brought his arm up to throw ...

[insert pregnant pause here]

... and then he dropped the ball on the ground, whereupon it was promptly picked up by a defender and run into the end zone for a Jacksonville touchdown.

At that moment I gave birth.

(Quite a surprise, what with my XY chromosomes and lack of uterus and all. It's a boy.)

Half the Jaguars were doing line dances, circus acts, and the Macarena in the end zone. While I was prepping the jersey for use as a swaddling cloth, I noticed that the rest of the defense was not celebrating at all.

There was a flag on the play. Face-mask, defense.

The touchdown was nullified, the Cirque du Soleil artists were lowered back down from the goalposts, and the Giants got the ball back plus a few yards and a first down.

Manning and Co. finally got things working and pieced together an amazing drive of their own, culminating in a touchdown. An apparent 20-3 suddenly turned into 13-10! The jersey worked! We were back in the game!

Note to self: leave the celebratory spike to the guys on the field who know for certain that what is in their hands is indeed a football. Oh well, I didn't want a third kid anyways.

It’s upon this type of success that I think the team needs to better capitalize. I'm more than happy to bring this jersey to the sidelines where the mojo will undoubtedly be so much more potent; I'm just waiting for the team to send down the limo. I'd even settle for the luxury box. We're talking about a playoff run, guys.

OK, so the excitement was short lived. The Giants quickly restored their severe barometric pressure deficit vis-à-vis the Jaguars. They gave up 13 more points and a couple turnovers while failing to score again before the game mercifully ended. The Giants slipped to 6-4, three games behind the Bears and tied with the suddenly resurgent and always detestable Dallas Cowboys.

How disappointing.

I can only imagine what would have been different if I had put the jersey on earlier.

Happy Birthday, Ms N

For this,
your [redacted] trip
around the ol' sun,
here's hoping:

your
birthday
wishes
come
true

your
dreams
are
fulfilled

... and there's never a shortage of shoes

What have you blogged for me lately?

Ooo-oo-ooo-yeah!

Some people are never satisfied.

I've been blogging for about as long as Brittany Spears and K-Fed have been married. During that time, I have had some extended spells where I have failed to post. A week here, a month there ... you get the picture.

Postless in New Jersey.

Lo and behold, after going merely the length of Brittany Spears’ first marriage without a post, Alaska Jen tells me that I am letting her down. "You haven’t posted in a long time," she whined, er, said Thursday night, granting me no credit for hanging on into the wee hours of election night to complete my Est-iest awards. "I’m getting bored."

"Don’t worry," I assured her. "There will be something posted tomorrow."

Sucker.

OK, so now it has been a week. But I think my material today will make up for the lapse. Quality over quantity, you know.

Wikitainment

While mindlessly trolling through Wikipedia, I stumbled upon a spiffy idea for a web challenge.

We’ve all heard of six degrees of separation – the notion that any two people can be connected through six other people. I, for one, have some entertaining contacts just two or three degrees away. For example, my former insurance agent’s son has three Super Bowl rings, my grandfather knew the pilot of the Enola Gay, I’ve had one-on-one conversations with a member of the Reagan administration and with Nixon’s Secretary of the Interior, and my mom works with Mary Kay Latourneau’s ex-husband.

Presidents to pedophiles … oh, yeah.

So here’s the challenge. Start with a topic on Wikipedia – say Hillary Clinton. Then pick another topic – say Castration. Now see how many (well, few) clicks it takes using only linked Wikipedia articles to connect the two.

(Hillary-to-Castration takes five clicks: Prostate Cancer, Androgens, Vas deferens, Vasectomy, Castration.)

The challenge, then, is to find two topics which seem to have no bearing on each other and find the shortest route between them. Bonus points are awarded based on degree of obscurity.

Please pass this idea on and send back your challenge ideas.

It’s like butt-ah

My daughter's Girl Scout troupe had a bake sale at our church Sunday. Our church has two services, so we had two rounds of sales. In between, the girls diligently readied the tables for the second rush of customers and we parents hung out just out of earshot sharing off-color anecdotes.

One of the dads had a great one about the one that didn’t get away. It was a true inspirational tale for all of us who had those moments where, three hours removed from a conversation, we suddenly come up with what we should have said.

My wife had to make several batches of cookies, so I went to the store to get ingredients. This really snooty woman was standing right in front of the butter looking through ingredients of the gourmet yogurts.
"Excuse me," I said, "can I please get to the butter?" She moved about six inches – still in the way but I could reach what I needed.
I took out five boxes of butter and was about to walk away when I realized it was salted. I needed unsalted.
"I’m sorry," I said to her, "I grabbed the wrong kind. Can I get in here again?"
She leered at me as I switched the boxes. "It’s not going to make a difference," she huffed. "Salted or not, the cholesterol is still going to kill you."
"Oh, I'm not going to eat this," I replied. "We use this as lubricant for anal sex."

On a related topic, I am adding another new word to the vernacular. Those militant snotty elitist know-it-alls who insist that you comply with their view on diet, the environment, fashion, etc:

Snotzis

Out of the Ordainary

My brother doesn't surprise me much.

It's not that he’s mundane, he's not. He is the polar opposite of mundane. He is, shall we say, very much his own person.

In some ways I envy him. He is blissfully unburdened by the expectations of others. He is comfortable enough with himself that he is able to act as he chooses. When he felt like having a unique style, he didn’t go down to Hot Topic to pick up the current version of uniqueness that everybody else has, he shaved three-quarters of his head and braided the remaining hair. He personifies the notion that those who matter don't mind and those who mind don’t matter.

I got a call from him Saturday night. He wanted to know if I'd heard the new Weird Al CD and if I'd heard the original R. Kelly song "Trapped in a Closet" and, oh, by the way, he just got ordained.

Screech!

OK, he surprised me with that one.

So my brother – the octopus head – is now clergy. He's now part of the Church of Spiritual Humanism.

Some would say he’s not really clergy because he got his ordination on-line. But I doubt my brother is bothered by their scoffing.

Faith is like that, you know. Besides, Tyler Durden says we should let that which does not truly matter completely slide.

Later in the call, after the conversation had shifted to a few different topics, he mentioned that he was going through his collection of adult-oriented videos.

"Oh," I said. "Is this part of your ministry?"

That explains it!

I just noticed ... it's Monday the 13th!

Just another manic Monday

The Bangles didn't mention this in their song.

I'm having one of those "had to disassemble and remove the lock on my front door so I could leave the house" kind of days.

Our admin said I was the first person to call out late for such a reason.

I almost didn’t encounter this problem at all. I was about to drop my son off with the people who watch him until the bus comes.

"Oh, no," he said with a somewhat panicked tone as he was getting out of the car.

Oh crap, I thought silently.

You see, a panicked tone from my son means there is not really a problem, he just thinks there is and is overreacting accordingly. It’s the somewhat panicked tones that tell me something is definitely amiss.

"I grabbed the wrong bookbag."

Yup. Problem.

He got back in the car and we rushed back home. I opened the door, got the right bag, tried to leave, and the key was stuck.

Nothing out of the ordinary, I thought. Humid day ... cheap-o apartment lock ... the Fates farting in my general direction because they find it amusing ...

This lock has done this before. Many times. I already have a key extraction routine down pat that requires just the right amount of wiggling, wriggling, twisting, swearing, and, of course, a mallet.

Note to readers: Never, ever, ever twist a key with too much force or hit the key handle from the side with blunt object. The key will snap in the lock, and you will be hosed.

By the time I repeated step 14 for the 23rd time, it occurred to me that this one was definitely out of the ordinary.

Out came the screwdriver, off came the lock. I had to twist the deadbolt mechanism so I could actually close the door. Fortunately, about the time my then-toddler son showed a propensity for walking out the front door, I installed a chain lock up near the top. I locked the chain, left the house, and then left a colorful message on the apartment complex's emergency maintenance line that I sure hope sounded amusing when they heard it.

I did take a moment to reflect on perhaps the only nice thing about apartment living ... someone else is paying to fix this.

I had some weekend-related posts ready to go, but they'll have to wait for tonight.

Politics as unusual

Since you all just can't get enough of election coverage, I'm proud to present

Mr. E's Election Night
Est-iest Awards

Smarmiest Democrat ad goes to John Eaves

Narrators Congressmen John Lewis, Atlanta Mayor Shirley Franklin, and Former UN Ambassador Andy Young
"On November 7 we face the most dangerous situation we've ever had. You think fighting off dogs and water hoses in the 60's was bad and there we sit idly and let the right wing Republicans take over the Fulton County Commission."
"The efforts of Martin and Corretta King, Josea Williams, Maynard Jackson, and many others will be lost and that's why we must stand up and we must turn out the vote for the Democrats on election day."
"And especially for John Eaves for Fulton County Commission Chairman."
"Unless you want them to turn back the clock on equal rights, human rights, and economic opportunity for all of us, vote for John eaves as Fulton County Chairman."
"Your very life may depend on it."
Announcer: This message paid for by the Committee to Elect John Eaves

Your very life may depend on John Eaves becomming a County Chairman? This is a gang that needs their hyperbole licenses revoked!

Smarmiest Republican ad goes to Vernon Robinson

Announcer: "You needed that job and you were the best qualified - but they gave it to an illegal alien so they could pay him under the table. It's happening all over America because of politicians like your Congressman, Brad Miller.
"Millions of Americans have lost their jobs to people who aren't even supposed to be here. Instead of securing the borders, Brad Miller voted to give these illegal aliens driver's licenses, Social Security benefits, and many other government freebies. He even actually voted to allow convicted child molesters to immigrate to America.
"These illegal aliens pay no taxes but take our jobs and our government handouts, then spit in our face and burn our flag.
"Well, Vernon Robinson has had enough. Vernon Robinson is an Air Force Academy graduate who proudly served in uniform under the American flag, a flag Brad Miller voted to let illegal aliens burn and trample."
Vern: "I'm Vern Robinson and I approve this message. If you send me to Congress, I'll secure the borders, stop the handouts, and protect your jobs."
Announcer: "Paid for by Robinson for Congress."

I'm sorry ... what House Resolution was it that allowed illegal aliens to burn the flag?

Second-Dumbest Statement by a Non-Candidate goes to Senator John Kerry for saying that if you don't use your brain, "you get stuck in Iraq."

Dumbest Statement by a Non-Candidate goes to Senator John Kerry for saying that he was sorry that we, the people, misunderstood what he said. No, John, we understood what you said; you said it wrong. "I'm sorry that you're so stupid" is not an apology.

Best Campaign Slogan goes to - D'oh, I missed the name - for "Why the hell not?" Please, please, please tell me this candidate's name if you know it.

Baseleast Argument goes to the Republican National Committee for "Lois Murphey doesn't support our values ... she even criticized a bill that included body armor for our troops." She criticized a bill that "included body armor for our troops"? How dare she? You can never criticize a bill that includes body armor for our troops. Everybody knows that including body armor for our troops makes a bill uncriticizable ... even if said bill reinstates the draft and slavery, hikes taxes, repeals woman's sufferage and the Dewey Decimal System, and requires all women to wear nothing but floral-print burkas!

Jumping the gunniest - runner up goes to the Philadelphia Inquirer online edition for calling the election in favor of incumbent Governor Ed Rendell while the polls were still open and "0% reporting".

Jumping the gunniest goes to Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) for saying the Democrats "had taken Ohio" seventeen minutes before pricincts were legally allowed to report results.

Oddest Call: NJ Senate race. At 8:45 pm, with a tally of 51% for Kean, Jr to 48% for Menendez, called in favor of Menendez because of what Wolff Blitzer called "hard numbers from exit polls." You know, because those worked so well predicting the Bush defeats in 2000 and 2004.

Odderest Call: Democrat Ben Cardin was forecast as winner of the Maryland Senate seat based upon his 44% of the votes. His opponent, Republican Michael Steele, only managed to muster 55% of the then-counted vote.

Confusedest Blogger goes to me at this very moment. I have now seen at least 5 cases where the networks have called races in favor of the canidate who was trailing in the vote count. If FOX News was calling these types of races in favor of trailing Rs I wouldn't be so confused, but even they are saying trailing Dems will be taking seats.

Ego-shatteringest Results go to Democrat hopeful Tim Mahoney. Dude. If you can't garner significantly more votes than a disgraced gay stalker of underage boys (Mark Foley), you really need a new campaign manager.

Right-Oniest Candidate Pairing goes to the Virginia 5th District for giving us the Goode-Weed race.

Successfullest Republican Strategery goes to the RNC for getting Democrat-ish Senator Lieberman elected in Connecticut. Perhaps the biggest win of the night for the G.O.P.

Unusualiest Race (for yours truly, at least) goes to the Texas 14th House District. Republican incumbent Ron Paul is facing off against Democrat Shane Sklar. I got sued once. Plaintiff's counsel? Sklar & Paul. Different Sklar, different Paul, but still ...

Hilariest Results Tracker goes to Comedy Central's Colbert Report for the Catastroph-o-meter, used to measure Democratic victories. The red side had Jesus, the blue side had Osama bin Laden

It doesn't matter who you vote for ...

... the government's still going to get elected.

Re-Elect

Nobody!

So ya say it's your birthday ...

Happy birthday to me,
Tho' I'm old as a tree
I'm still younger than my coworkers,
Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

Better late than never

So, it's a little late for Halloween. This was just too funny to not share ...

(This picture found on Belle of the Brawl)

Hallowinners

Between the Halloween parties over the weekend and the parade on Main Street last night, I saw lots and lots of costumes. Unlike some previous years, there were actually a lot of really good ones this time around.

Considering that there are so many things people shoot for with their costume selection - funniest, scariest, goriest, sultriest, ugliest, etc., - it is really hard to say what the best costume was. But since I insist on having an opinion about everything, I'll try.

And so, without further ado, I present:

Mr. E's Halloween
"Est"-iest Awards

Scariest: Glowing-eyed Grim Reaper
A guy at the party had a grim reaper outfit with a black cloth that covered the face. Underneath, he had glasses with red lights on them that glowed through the fabric.

Cutest: The Pooh-bear Family
The dad was dressed like Tigger, the mom like Winnie T. Pooh, the stroller was made to look like a honey-pot and the kids were bees.

Funniest: Boy in Outhouse
A kid in the parade decorated a large appliance box to look like an outhouse with an open door. He was standing inside the box with his body poking up through the, ahem, portal. He had fake legs attached to the front of his shirt, making it appear as if he was a much shorter guy sitting upon the throne.

Bunniest: Ty, the 6'5" Playboy Bunny
Ty is a tall dude, making his Playboy bunny outfit all the more amusing. He was the first bunny ever to require 4-page centerfold. The kicker: his girlfriend was dressed as Heff.

Grossest: Dr. Mike Hunt, Gynecologist
From afar, the good doctor looked like any other horror movie maniacal surgeon. He had the facemask, his formerly white scrubs were a bloody mess ... Upon reading his nametag, however, you suddenly get that moment of "ahhh", followed by many moments of "ewww".

Inadvertently Kinkiest: Ride'em Cowgirl
My fraternity friend Bill got the nickname "Bull" back in college. He showed up at the party on Friday wearing bull horns and a tail. His wife, a reltively straight-laced woman who to this day is shocked by something that comes out of my mouth at every single social gathering we've both attended (not to mention what comes out of Mrs. CWV's mouth!), was dressed up as a cowgirl. I seem to recall a segment on HBO's Real Sex about rodeo role play ...

Bloodiest: Dr. Mike Hunt, Gynecologist

Original-iest: One-Night Stand
One guy at the party decorated a box to look like a nightstand, complete with condoms coming out of the drawer. That his head was protruding through the top was no problem, thanks to his lampshade hat.

Watch It, She's Not Eighteeniest: Too Many to Count
The prosti-tots were out in abundance yesterday. (Some even with their parents!) I know you find frilly French maids, naughty nurses, seductive secretaries, liberated librarians, voluptuous vixens, and, of course, dominating dominatricies at college Halloween parties (I need to attend more of those), but those women are of age! Listen, girls - just because you're too old to be giggly doesn't make you old enough to be jiggly. (On the bright side, these girls won't have to worry about spending money on new outfits for work. Once they turn 18, all they have to do is find a pole and start dancing.)

Inappropriate-iest: Dr. Mike Hunt, Gynecologist
This kid's in high school, by the way

Chubbliest: Super-Sized Super Hero
Superman with a beer gut hanging over his belt and out from under his shirt. Quite funny.

Same Clothes as Every Other Day-iest: All those goth kids

Cheapest: Male Chauvinist Pig
That was me. T-shirt with witty saying, jeans, and a $2.95 pig mask from Wal-Mart. If I thought about it more, the shirt would have been of either the Beer (Schlitz, of course), NASCAR, or "No Fat Chicks" genre.

Favorite-iest: a tie between Nerd and Alien
What can I say? This judge is biased towards his kids.

And while these are not necessarily costume (or even Halloween) related, here are a few more Estiest awards ...

Funniest Blog Comment goes to Mist1, who responded to Ranger Tom's Intellectual Dildo Awards post with this gem: "If I could find an intellectual dildo, I would give up dating."

Snappiest Email goes to my cousin's husband, Mike, for this reply to my brother's email describing this video as the coolest he's seen in years: "OK, someone needs their hyperbole license revoked."

Rumsfeldiest Coach award goes to Andy Reid of the Philadelphia Eagles (who seems to share the same shoulder-angel as our president) for "staying the course" throughout Sunday's embarrassing loss even though that meant throwing pass after pass after ugly, futile pass despite wind gusts over 30mph.

Hperboliest Post goes to me for this post. Unfortunately, I wasn't expecting to win, so I didn't prepare a speech. I'll just thank the academy and sit down.

And finally ...

Wateriest Eyes goes to you (but only if you've actually read this whole thing in one sitting).