Research and Dev-Hell-opment

"Annoying as Hell" seems like an understatement, what with the nasty reputation Satan has built up over the centuries.

Annoying? Hell is not supposed to be a nuisance; it's supposed to be agonizing! It's supposed to be, well, Hell.

But when you think about it, over time (and what is eternity if not lots and lots of time?) some annoyances become unbearably tortuous.

With the ever-growing numbers of people that seem to be on the eternal damnation fast-track nowadays, there are good reasons to believe that Hades Inc would have a vested interest in finding punishments that are more cost effective and environmentally friendly.

Besides, many of the more insidious tortures are labor intensive and Beelzebub is facing labor issues. Unlike the Screen Actors Guild, the Subterranean Brotherhood of Minions and Trolls Local 666 is not under Satan's direct control. They reportedly have connections with the Teamsters, and we all know that can't be good news for management.

Alternative methods are employed according to the extent of ones pre-mortem misdeeds. Murderers and lawyers get the Pit of Eternal Fire, while people who were more "naughty" than "evil" get less extreme punishments, like the Fly of Eternal Ear Buzzing or the Unending Unreachable Itch.

The research division of Hades Inc tends to be secretive, but every once and a while rumors slip out. Here are some of the recent projects "allegedly" in development.

The Perpetual Hold
(“Your call is important to us. Due to high caller volume, your call will be answered in approximately ten … thousand years”)

The Smoke Alarm
(Doesn’t sound bad, you say? Remember, where there’s eternal fire, there’s bound to be eternal smoke)

The Realm of Loud Cell Phone Talkers

The Infinite Download

The Endless Staff Meeting

The Never-Ending “Head On” Commercial
(Apply directly to your forehead)

The Self-Losing Car Keys

The Uncooling Coffee

The Mobius Memo

And of course the dreaded Middle Seat in Coach.