Hallowinners

Between the Halloween parties over the weekend and the parade on Main Street last night, I saw lots and lots of costumes. Unlike some previous years, there were actually a lot of really good ones this time around.

Considering that there are so many things people shoot for with their costume selection - funniest, scariest, goriest, sultriest, ugliest, etc., - it is really hard to say what the best costume was. But since I insist on having an opinion about everything, I'll try.

And so, without further ado, I present:

Mr. E's Halloween
"Est"-iest Awards

Scariest: Glowing-eyed Grim Reaper
A guy at the party had a grim reaper outfit with a black cloth that covered the face. Underneath, he had glasses with red lights on them that glowed through the fabric.

Cutest: The Pooh-bear Family
The dad was dressed like Tigger, the mom like Winnie T. Pooh, the stroller was made to look like a honey-pot and the kids were bees.

Funniest: Boy in Outhouse
A kid in the parade decorated a large appliance box to look like an outhouse with an open door. He was standing inside the box with his body poking up through the, ahem, portal. He had fake legs attached to the front of his shirt, making it appear as if he was a much shorter guy sitting upon the throne.

Bunniest: Ty, the 6'5" Playboy Bunny
Ty is a tall dude, making his Playboy bunny outfit all the more amusing. He was the first bunny ever to require 4-page centerfold. The kicker: his girlfriend was dressed as Heff.

Grossest: Dr. Mike Hunt, Gynecologist
From afar, the good doctor looked like any other horror movie maniacal surgeon. He had the facemask, his formerly white scrubs were a bloody mess ... Upon reading his nametag, however, you suddenly get that moment of "ahhh", followed by many moments of "ewww".

Inadvertently Kinkiest: Ride'em Cowgirl
My fraternity friend Bill got the nickname "Bull" back in college. He showed up at the party on Friday wearing bull horns and a tail. His wife, a reltively straight-laced woman who to this day is shocked by something that comes out of my mouth at every single social gathering we've both attended (not to mention what comes out of Mrs. CWV's mouth!), was dressed up as a cowgirl. I seem to recall a segment on HBO's Real Sex about rodeo role play ...

Bloodiest: Dr. Mike Hunt, Gynecologist

Original-iest: One-Night Stand
One guy at the party decorated a box to look like a nightstand, complete with condoms coming out of the drawer. That his head was protruding through the top was no problem, thanks to his lampshade hat.

Watch It, She's Not Eighteeniest: Too Many to Count
The prosti-tots were out in abundance yesterday. (Some even with their parents!) I know you find frilly French maids, naughty nurses, seductive secretaries, liberated librarians, voluptuous vixens, and, of course, dominating dominatricies at college Halloween parties (I need to attend more of those), but those women are of age! Listen, girls - just because you're too old to be giggly doesn't make you old enough to be jiggly. (On the bright side, these girls won't have to worry about spending money on new outfits for work. Once they turn 18, all they have to do is find a pole and start dancing.)

Inappropriate-iest: Dr. Mike Hunt, Gynecologist
This kid's in high school, by the way

Chubbliest: Super-Sized Super Hero
Superman with a beer gut hanging over his belt and out from under his shirt. Quite funny.

Same Clothes as Every Other Day-iest: All those goth kids

Cheapest: Male Chauvinist Pig
That was me. T-shirt with witty saying, jeans, and a $2.95 pig mask from Wal-Mart. If I thought about it more, the shirt would have been of either the Beer (Schlitz, of course), NASCAR, or "No Fat Chicks" genre.

Favorite-iest: a tie between Nerd and Alien
What can I say? This judge is biased towards his kids.

And while these are not necessarily costume (or even Halloween) related, here are a few more Estiest awards ...

Funniest Blog Comment goes to Mist1, who responded to Ranger Tom's Intellectual Dildo Awards post with this gem: "If I could find an intellectual dildo, I would give up dating."

Snappiest Email goes to my cousin's husband, Mike, for this reply to my brother's email describing this video as the coolest he's seen in years: "OK, someone needs their hyperbole license revoked."

Rumsfeldiest Coach award goes to Andy Reid of the Philadelphia Eagles (who seems to share the same shoulder-angel as our president) for "staying the course" throughout Sunday's embarrassing loss even though that meant throwing pass after pass after ugly, futile pass despite wind gusts over 30mph.

Hperboliest Post goes to me for this post. Unfortunately, I wasn't expecting to win, so I didn't prepare a speech. I'll just thank the academy and sit down.

And finally ...

Wateriest Eyes goes to you (but only if you've actually read this whole thing in one sitting).